I joined the fellowship in sore need of help. At my second meeting I approached someone to request if they would H.O. W. sponsor me and they agreed. So the trip I am very grateful to have started was beginning.<p>I went through my first 7 days, setting my bottom lines and then the first 30 questions relatively easily, no slips. I had to set new bottom lines around day 16. I have only been involved sexually with women for the last 16 years and so initially didn’t set any bottom lines around men.  One evening after a meeting I went out with a chap after a meeting thinking I would be okay only to find the next morning I was obsessed with him. I have manage to set two sets of bottom lines around him and other men but I am still struggling to keep my bottom line with him now, it is one of minimum contact. ##This week I knowing broke that bottom-line and went up and spoke with him. On the same day I also broke bottom-lines with my ex partner, no contact for 56 days after a 10 years relationship and with a third party that was enmeshed in our relationship. It was like in about 6 hours I had just smashed up every boundary I had put around my recovery. ##So now the inventory is to one side and I have just spoken to my sponsor, bless her about D2 slip question. Why is it important that I think of myself first?##Sometimes questions are easy and then at others they come at me like a steam train. This one came at me like a steam train but I found I had no words to put my confusion into an understandable form.  The first and only thing I could say to start was, “because no one else will”. That somehow contradicted my experience in the fellowship though. ##I have great difficulty with answering this question, what I can do is talk about why I don’t want to take responsibility for thinking of myself. When I do think of myself I see it as putting myself first. Once I acknowledge the importance of looking after me it means that must have needs. This then brings me to the struggle of bearing with my own neediness. I struggle with the neediness of others to but am slightly less judgemental or perhaps I don’t see the depths of their need as I do in myself. What the need takes me to is attacking self loathing. I’m reading a lot around this at the moment and that self loathing is the counter of pride somewhat akin to the co-dependency… counter-dependency axis or the addiction anorexia axis. ##This humbles me in a funny sort of way, all my life I’ve been a little proud that I am not a very pride-filled person. Now I discover in recovery that I am filled with it, just on the other side of the axis in the self-loathing. I’ve gone on reading about the pride/self loathing bit and I think the most helpful thing I have found so far is that the process of gaining pride or self loathing involves me judging either myself or someone else. Now in fellowship terms, this just has put me into the place of being my own Higher Power, judging myself, putting into myself the thought that I can be the one that is all knowing that I can presume to be that Higher Power.  ##I know that if I don’t learn at least to fake putting myself first I’m going to struggle with that inventory, I will need in that to be able to find the time to be kind and caring to myself otherwise that self examination will go from one of curious interest and understanding to full on self critical lathing. S on in this blessed time of slip questions, I will need to think about self acceptance, self respect and self care. I’m grateful for my three way slip, I am learning with it.