Our RSS feed
Unsure but asking
Hi,I have to say, there's a lot here that doesn't make sense to me. I don't think about sex compulsively or get into dangerous situations or damage myself. But I do have a pattern that seems to go on and on, and I don't seem to be finding the relationship I so desperately crave. I'm 30, a good looking girl, very happy with myself, have a really great relationship with a higher power and 12 years recovery in another program. I make friends easily, I'm pretty spiritual, pretty insightful, think I know myself pretty well..but why am I doing this?I meet a lot of men, rarely any I'm really attracted to, and often feel dissapointed with this. When I have really liked men, it hasn't ever really gone anywhere for one reason or another and it's not really in my control to "make" things work. That's not how anything in life works.When I meet someone, maybe fancy them at first, but realise they aren't for me, instead of walking away and leaving it, I think I can control that situation to meet my needs for a while. So I "fake" a relationship for a month or two, at first convincing myself that this time it'll be different, or I'll just stick around to get some sex. It usually ends with me feeling more and more disgusted with them and fearful and guilty of being deceptive and pretending to like someone I don't. And how great is the sex really going to be if you don't really fancy the person you're with? I can't seem to stop getting into this. Because I'm lonely, I hate it and I want sex and closeness and love. And I think I can "make" those things happen myself..But if it ain't right, it ain't right..and you can't make yourself feel things you don't.I've always been on and off dating sites, often dissapointed, sometimes forcing things, sometimes not. When I heard about SLAA, it freaked me out..I thought "none of these bahaviours match me"..but I thought I'd do it myself, keep on internet dating and be able to walk away from any dates I wasn't sure about. I went on one the other day- lovely guy, but don't think I really felt it could ever work. What scared me is how I really wanted to take control, just use him for sex..string it out for a while..even though I knew there was nothing there. And that's not fair to anyone...Thing is..I believe I can be alone..I just want sex. But do I really want sex? Not with anyone, and I don't do one night stands because It doesn't feel right, and I don't want someone who may not respect me (not that one night stands are bad, but I don't feel comfortable). so I do these "relationships"..what scares me is I lose all contact with myself, my heart, what I really want and am when I'm dating someone I don't really fancy. And I don't enjoy that. But I just am sick of waiting for "the one" or someone I do fancy. I'm sick of being alone. And most of all, I want to be normal, I want to know what a relationship is like..and I'm worried that there is something flawed in my thinking. Maybe it is as simple as not meeting the right person, but I seem to have a problem stopping trying to control meeting them. I seem to have a problem being alone,although I always ulitmately am. And I do miss sex. I've never had sex with anyone I've loved, and thats what I really want.. Don't know if this is the right place for me, but I need some help
HiReading between the lines
HiReading between the lines as well as what is in your lines it seems you may be anorexic - this is just as deadly as full-blown active acting out. It sounds like emotional &/or sexual anorexia. In fact it sounds like you are exhibiting classic "acting-in" whereby we become so avoidant of our feelings, emotions & needs (physical/sexual/emotional needs) that we end up denying ourselves exactly what our point as human beings is - to love. As anorexics we find we can never relax or let go of our own free will. I would suggest getting to a SLAA Anorexia meeting - there is a great one at Covent Garden Monday evenings. The root of all of our addictions is a fatal inability to love ourselves exactly as we are (and therefore we become unable to accept & love others exactly as they are - hence we are unable to form a loving & committed relationship).Even if your first meeting is dreadful (and they usually are) at least commit to attending 6 separate meetings before you make a decision if SLAA is for you. Give yourself a chance, and SLAA. We are not perfect but even Higher Power can work through our mistakes. Let us know how you get on.Best of luck.
Thanks for your reply. It's
Thanks for your reply. It's interesting you mention anorexia. I don't think I'm very obviously anorexic as I enjoy people and I like myself a lot but I relate to the idea of being anorexic more than being a sex addict. I don't live in London, but I can get to a meeting near me. Since I've tried to stop dating I've seen that (a) I can't stop (b) I really do have a voice in my head that tries to "make" things work, even when I'm not attracted to people and (c) I don't know how I could live without searching, or hoping I'll fall in love. I don' t think the wanting to fall in love is the problem, but the refusal to stop controlling the pursuit of that is strange. What I've also seen (as all addicts find when they put down a drug) is a lot of grief, overwhelming grief. Feelings about my father (pretty obvious I know) and I need to get some councilling as well as get to some meetings. It's hard today. Change is hard. It's easy to believe you're an addict when you're acting madly, but harder when you're feeling pretty sane. That's what I can't control either. I guess meetings will help with that. And it is just for today..I hope I get someone to talk to at a meeting, but if not, are there any other ways of recieving support? Same sex please