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Hey, Im new to this, dont know if its he right place for me to be... But am at a loss, with a bit of depression and anxiety thrown in for good measure. I would ave to say i believe i could very well be addicted to sex... Im a single mum to a 10 month old and this is no way for me to be behaving, well it never was, but having a baby has put a lot of things into perspective.
Im taking a lot of risks, and am consciously trying to stop my behaviour, but then i seem to change into a different person and loose all awareness of .. well everything barring the fact there is a willing man in the room.
So basically im on here, because i have realised that for several years I have been trying to control this and i cant do it. I have been goin to a counseller since i was 16, im now 22. I have never been able to raise this subject as im really embarassed as I initially was referred to her because i was raped when i was 14. Any advice would be appreciate, I have looked and the only meeting close to me is about 50 miles away.
Dear Lonemum, thank you for
Dear Lonemum, thank you for a really brave and honest share, my heart goes out to you and I very much identify with much of what you have said, your comment about loosing all awareness expect towards a willing man in the room, well lets just say I couldn't have put it better myself. For me, that is a huge part of my problem, total focus on the man to the detrement of everything and everyone in my life, constantly pursuing the next source of intrigue and/or sexual encounter. You say you are embarrassed about raising this issue with your counsellor, I totally understand but perhaps give it a try, you might find that shes a source of help or may be able to refer you to others, you never know, but rest assured this is nothing to be embarassed about, you should be so proud of yourself for wanting to face this. I hope it is not inappropriate to pick up on the attack you suffered at 14 but I too went through this in my twenties so can identify completely and for me, whilst I have never seen it as the cause of my sla it certainly had a major effect on me and my acting out became horrendous as a result. I think I believed that after what had happened to me, it was all I was good for and lost any tiny bit of self respect I had and as a consequence things became so much worse. It is such a shame you do not live near meetings. The previous sharer suggested setting up your own meeting and whilst that it a great idea for the future I fear it might be a bit much to take on right now especially with a young baby, I know that when I was very new to this it is the last thing I could have coped with but perhaps if you are able to get to a meeting even if it is far away you will then be able to get some phone numbers from the women there, we say in SLAA HOW that the phone is a life line and can be like a mini meeting so if you could get to just one meeting you could make that contact and then use the phone until you felt able to start a meeting. This is obviously just a suggestion but it might be worth thinking about. In the meantime keep coming onto this sight and at least you will be regularly reminded that you are not alone. I wish you all the very best, please do log in again it would be great to hear how you are doing. Take care.
Thankyou very much for your
Thankyou very much for your reply, I am considering bringing this up with my counseller, i sort of assumed that when i had completed my course of treatment you could say, that my perseption of sex and of myself would change... well they did change and because of that i am more aware that my behaviour is not well in the slightest, good or healthy. and I think all my other issues were masking this compulsion, if thats the right term. I dont think the rape itself has completely triggered this off, I jst dont think it helped. I am just not sure about it all, im dubious about going to a meeting as i think i would jst feel completely vulnerable.
So nice to hear back from
So nice to hear back from you, it sounds to me that your counselling has started a real awareness for you and whilst that can be so scary its a real step forward, although it may not seem like it (sometimes i long for the days when I was completely ignorant!) an awareness is a really good place to start, we can't begin this process without it. As for feeling vulnerable at your first meeting, I would not be being trueful if I said that you won't feel like that, you probably will but its not a bad thing and in my experience that feeling passes. If you do get to a meeting don't feel or put any pressure on yourself, you can simply sit and listen and if something that is said really resonates with you try and talk to that person afterwards, you may feel more comforatable on a one to one basis to start with. When I first went to meetings and what kept me coming back was the huge amount of identification I got, I cannot tell you what a relief that was, to be surrounded by people that not only understood but didn't judge. I was overwhelmed by the kindness and support I found and amazed that people asked me to call them and then seemed genuinely interested when I did! Going to my first meeting was probably the hardest thing I ever did but when I had done it I felt so proud of myself and I knew I had done the right thing. For me, it was ok to feel vulnerable, its a side I never showed the world so to have a safe place to go where I could cry, share and genuinely let out my feelings was amazing. I think however the most important thing I would say is don't pressure yourself, this will happen when its meant to and if you are not quite ready yet then thats fine. If you are able to keep logging on to this sight, talk to your counsellor and maybe do a little reading around this subject you will be making an amazing start. I was always told that recovery is not a race and it happens in its own time. Be proud of where you are now and know that you will move forward when you are ready. I log on most days to check out the sight so would love to carry on talking (or should that be typing!) if you would like to, in the meantime take care of yourself. G.x
Thankyou so much for your
Thankyou so much for your time, I would like to keep talkin (or typing lol) Im in one or them virtual meetings for now, hopefully will help a long for a while and then maybe when I let the dust settle a wee bit, I might be able to take the next leap into the big bad real world and drop my gaurd a bit. Its actually taking a bit out of me jst being online so I dont think id be quite ready for a meeting. Do you go onto the chat ever?I really do appreciate your replies and support, it does help a lot knowing that there is other ppl out there who are having or have had similar experiences. I sorta wish i was ignorant to it, bury my head in the sand again, but that will get me no where in life. Need to take responsablity and deal with it... Its just goin to take time and if i have the support i shall hopefully be able to reach a point in my life where i am truely happy.
There does seem to be some
There does seem to be some evidence from what you say that you do appear to have issues with addictive sexual compulsive behaviour. If youcannot find a meeting near you then start one. Talk to your therapist and perhaps she might be able to help with a venue etc. You can put a notice on here asking for people in your area who are interested to meet you in the chat room. I have helped start a meeting in Nottingham doing just this so it isn't impossible. Your not alone but you have already started the recovery process just by reaching out.
If you're a sex and love
If you're a sex and love addict you will be unable to stop your behaviour through your own will power. But there is hope: get to meetings when you can and get numbers of women you can talk with. If you are willing to stop your behaviour a day at a time and work the 12 Steps in this fellowship, in order, with a sponsor, you will get well. This programme works, I can say that from personal experience. Some sponsors are willing to sponsor by phone, but it's important to make initial connections at a meeting. At meetings you can be real with others who understand your compulsive behaviour around sex, and it is a safe place to share appropriately with what is going on with you. Good luck with your recovery, you owe it to yourself and your baby to get well, you can do it.